50 Hilarious Viral Tweets By Parents Last Month

"You can tell it's bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other." —@Tobi_Is_Fab

BuzzFeed Staff

Just found my kid's missing library book with two days left in the school year so maybe I should buy a lottery ticket

When my 2yo doesn't want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with "happy birthday" and walks away waving bye.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Mid-tantrum, 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering "not nice of me."

Toddlers are cute until they come out with sentences like, "He's our dog, we’re not gonna cook him", and then they’re terrifying

I volunteer at my kids’ school and a kindergartner told me "my mom used to have two butts, but now she just has one." I didn't know how to be like "tell me more about your mom's butt" without getting kicked off campus. It haunts me to this day that I don't have more details.

6yo: Momma, close your eyes! I have a surprise!Me: OK, but I don't want a naked butt in my face when I open them.6yo: Nevermind.

You should clarify that Little Red Riding Hood was wearing other clothes IN ADDITION TO the hood when telling the storyI know this now pic.twitter.com/ybXCOOdG5Q

5yo; "Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid's name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up." Reader, his name is HARVEY.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

My daughter left a full glass of milk on the stairs and in a ~shocking twist~ the milk got kicked over and there is milk everywhere and she is crying because she was still drinking that. Gotta feel bad for her, there's no way anyone could have predicted that outcome.

parents when you ask how their family vacation was pic.twitter.com/TvevxQOLfo

Psyched to see my kid's presentation at school so I can check out all the projects the parents did.

At 4 my daughter convinced her pre-k class that her dad was eaten by a shark. We are a 2 mom family (never a dad in the picture). Several kids were crying as they ran to the teachers. Didn't find out about it until the last day of school months later. Now she's a theater kid. 😏

The mom from "5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" should be happy they're actually getting exercise instead of sitting around playing on their phones.

When my daughter was in 1st grade she told her teacher ‘My Mom keeps dead babies in the closet’. I was mortified when I found out. Luckily the teacher knew I taught cpr so understood my daughter's statement.

how to market bottled water to dads pic.twitter.com/hmqRRIYDOJ

9y/o: Oliver invited me to his bday party…I asked him what he wanted…he said a case of Prime.Husband: A case of Prime? You mean, the energy drink?9y/o: Yea…He likes Meta Moon.Husband: Okie Dokie…[under his breath] And now we know which friend's gonna sell the good weed

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

My kid's favorite little square hash browns were out of stock and now he has to eat slightly bigger square hash browns, so please respect our privacy during this difficult time

Finally getting a leg up on evolution. pic.twitter.com/PMBcM90emm

Nobody:Nobody:Absolutely nobody:My kid: as soon as we get home I’m gonna get naked and look at my butt

My three year old just asked me "why do mamas cry sometimes" and like how much time does she have

My kids have grown taller and they're just now discovering that the reason I've been getting them their snacks and drinks all these years was because they were too short to do it themselves, NOT because I'm their personal servant. They are not happy.

Teens only ask you what your favourite things are to tell you that they suck.

I used to want my kids to be happy all the time, but then I discovered happy screaming is even louder than angry screaming and now I'm not so sure.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, "Ok so, how old were you when it was born?"So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

my five year old texted me and I guess I didn't text back quickly enough pic.twitter.com/k5aBhqwoeL

My daughter, wearing a sweatshirt and covered in a blanket when it's almost summer: "I’m hot"

"I’ll pretend I’m a really old mom. Like 24." -a third grader at the park that just made a sworn enemy

Life begins the day all the kids can put on their own sunscreen.

10: dad, close your eyes and open your mouthme: well that's definitely a no.

11: In theatre when people tell you to break a leg it's because they want you to get in a cast. Me: Ok George Carlin just get your shoes on.

At the park and my son is playing soccer w/ a child named Kevin. I’ve never met a child named Kevin before. Kinda just thought Kevins only came in adult form…ya know like pigeons

Did you breastfeed? Independent dairy owner and operator. Formula feed and wash a million bottles a day? Mixologist with food safety credentials.

I have the same birthday as my mother-in-law, and my 5yo asked if we’re twins. He's lucky he's adorable.

a zillion parenting books out there and not one about managing your cat's jealousy over the new baby pic.twitter.com/Uq2dwC7yg2

we paid for 13 to go to Dollywood with a friend all day yesterday and today he's thanking us by being a huge asshole.

My 5yo just came in and announced his engagement to the neighbor girlUnrelatedly, 10 mins ago he came in crying because she had punched him "in the nuts"

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone's EYE broke open.Me: What???5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

The opposite of 'taking candy from a baby' is 'putting sunscreen on a toddler'.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying "Well, look how well you turned out" and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it againHe looked at me like I'd just showed him prison tattoos

Half of parenting is just hoping they forget this idea before Christmas

My brain keeps trying to turn this into a country song pic.twitter.com/dOhrAhefxe

Moms love swapping childbirth stories like old guys telling war stories at the VFW, except this is over oatmilk lattes and the whole café gets to hear who had the higher degree tear

i was upset with my 10 yo over something earlier and he said to me "you're just mad because you know you don't even have $5,000 dollars." i wasn't. but shit, now i am.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter's bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

*packing suitcases* kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket kid 2: stick

you can tell it's bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

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